The Truth by Neil Strauss
My rating: 9/10
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Love is not about finding the right person, it’s about becoming the right person.
If you ever want to be truly happy in this lifetime, you have to recognise that you’re using sex like a drug to fill a hole. And that hole is your self-esteem. Deep down, you feel unlovable. So you try to escape from that feeling by conquering new woman.
The tough part is to quarantine the virus, and to recognise the false self and restore the true self. Because it isn’t until we start developing an honest, compassionate, and functional relationship with ourselves that we can begin to experience a healthy, loving relationship with others.
You can live your life like a hamster on a wheel, chasing after the next hit to keep yourself spinning. Or you can realise that ultimately it’s all a distraction to avoid the harsh reality that you are not connected to yourself.
Intimacy is sharing your reality with someone else and knowing you’re safe, and them being able to share their reality with you and also be safe.
Intimacy problems come from lack of self-love. Someone who fears intimacy thinks, unconsciously, if you knew who I actually was, you’d leave me.
A healthy relationship is when 2 individuated adults decide to have a relationship and that becomes a third entity. They nurture the relationship and the relationship nurtures them. But they’re not overly dependent or independent: they are interdependent, which means they take care of the majority of their needs and wants on their own, but when they can’t, they’re not afraid to ask their partner for help.
When one person shuts down or throws a fit, the other needs to stay in the adult ego stage. If both people descend to the wounded child or adapted adolescent, that’s when all the forces of relationship dreams and destruction are unleashed.
Sex is easy to find. Love is rare.
Love: When two (or more) hearts build a safe emotional, mental, and spiritual home that will stand strong no matter how much anyone changes on the inside or the outside. It demands only one thing and expects only one thing: that each person be his or her own true self.
A cheat here and there is not just a cheat here and there. It’s a break in the continuum of who you are and the person you are in the world.
If you’re healthy, whatever type of relationship you choose will also be healthy. You’re suppose to grow up emotionally so that when someone you love doesn’t constantly worship you or do what you want, it doesn’t cause your entire sense of self to crumble.